How the Law of Polarity Can Save Your Relationship (Hint: Opposites Attract)

If you’ve been in a long-term marriage, you know how couples can go from soulmates to stalemates. Maybe one or both of you have strayed, or you’ve decided to settle for life without passion because, you tell yourself, it beats being alone and dating sucks, especially in a world gone viral. If you’re single, you might be tired of the swiping, ghosting, and matches that fail to spark. Whatever your relationship status, I want to share the secret sauce I discovered after a personal crisis sent me reeling into a vortex of self-examination.

I saw therapists, psychics, took mushrooms, read spiritual and philosophy books, and had plastic surgery in an attempt to transform myself inside and out. Yeah, shit got extreme. One of my struggles was that I hadn’t felt true desire for my husband in over a decade. After 17 years of marriage, we were business partners, best friends, co-parents, workout buddies, and travel companions—but we hadn’t been passionate lovers for a long time.

Don’t get me wrong, we still had a sex life (the result of which were two beautiful daughters), but it just wasn’t all that exciting. We went through the motions every other week and that was that. Then, seemingly out of nowhere, I found myself wildly and feverishly attracted to my husband. I saw him as the tall, handsome, independent, successful man that he was. My newfound desire was raw, almost animalistic, and really confusing.

I became obsessed with trying to understand this new sexual chemistry.

I eventually found the answer, of all places, in a podcast. I listened to John Wineland and Juliet Allen - a spiritual intimacy and relationship coach, talk about the Law of Polarity. Click here to listen/download

I shared the podcast with my husband and nothing we had heard in couples therapy (or anywhere else for that matter) resonated with us the way Polarity did. It turned out to be the cornerstone that helped us rebuild our marriage. Together we embarked on a journey to learn everything we could about this little-known natural phenomenon. According to the Law of Polarity, people with opposite sexual energy produce an attractive force between them, while people with the same energy produce a neutral or repulsive force (think magnets that attract or repel). Simply put: opposites attract. And the larger the energetic distance between two people, the greater the attraction.

Dominant Energy 

So how does one tap into this seismic force of nature? The first step in Polarity is understanding your Dominant Energy. Doing this will create more passion with your partner, help to improve communication, and reduce daily conflict in your relationship (it can also help deepen your friendships, boost your career, and heal old family wounds, but I’ll save that for another article). 

My husband and I met at law school. At that time, he was a chill, partying, surfer guy. He was beautiful, loving, wild, and free. He wasn’t a serious student and he certainly had no idea about what his life purpose should be, but he lit up every room he entered. There are different names for this sparkle in many cultures; in Taoism, they call it Yin, which is sometimes represented by the Tiger totem. 

I, on the other hand, was focused and highly competitive. I graduated with honors, was recruited by a national top-three law firm, and was ready to conquer the world. This purpose-driven energy is known as Yang, which is represented by the Dragon totem. My husband thought my Dragon energy was sassy, feisty, and sexy as hell. He was deeply drawn to my confidence and clarity of purpose, the same way I was attracted to his chill Tiger-vibe and  joie de vivre.

We were, in essence, polar opposites, which is why we clicked.

Dragon Energy is your “doing” energy. Your inner Dragon gets shit done. Tiger Energy  is your “feeling” energy. Your inner Tiger uses intuition and sensitivity to feel and nurture the world around you. It’s the part of you that is untethered, wild, and radiant. We all have the ability to embody both the Dragon and the Tiger. Yet, at any given time, we tend to embody one energy more than the other. This is your Dominant Energy. 

We are either a Dominant Tiger, balanced by a little Dragon, or we are a Dominant Dragon, balanced by a little Tiger. If we were all Dragon, we would be overly aggressive and cutthroat; whereas if we were all Tiger, we would be uncontrollably wild and unhinged. It’s the balance of both energies that ensures we can remain in harmony with the world and each other. According to Taoism, 70% of our energy is embodied by either the Tiger or the Dragon. Whatever our Dominant Energy is at any given time, it attracts our energetic opposite. Together with our partner, we feel complete, whole, one. 

Somewhere in our late twenties, things changed. After years of floating through life, My husband became focused on his career goals and eventually built a thriving international law practice. At the same time, I was an entrepreneur and COO running a successful franchise with over 200 locations across the United States and Canada. By our early thirties, we were both working eighty hours a week and traveling nearly half the year. We often joked with friends about how we had now merged into one person: I was a little more fun, and he was a lot more serious. Our personalities were now strangely similar.

As a result, my husband lost his sparkle. He was no longer my wild Tiger, he was a fire-breathing Dragon. And our energy together wasn’t balanced, it was abrasive. Likewise, my driven Dragon Energy was no longer seductive; it felt cold and detached. We went from completing each other to competing with one another. Once I applied the Law of Polarity to our relationship, I was able to let go and embrace my inner Tiger. I became more intuitive, flexible, nurturing, and compassionate.

I took more time to relax, nourish, and heal my body. I let myself feel again. And once I did, I started to feel a new sensation. I felt happy. 

The easiest way to understand Polarity is to imagine the sexual tension in your relationship as an elastic band, with you and your partner holding opposite ends. When you stand right next to each other, the elastic is limp and lifeless. When the band is pulled apart, there is a tension that is begging to be released. Fortunately, you don’t have to wait for a life crisis to create that tension. There are techniques you can use to actively and constructively push yourself away from your partner in order to regain some of that sexual tension. I explore this in-depth in my book Love & Dragons. If you follow the advice and exercises that I suggest, you will be able to quickly and easily create Polarity in your relationship--just when you need it most.

XX Gillian