Tigers & Dragons: A deep dive
As we explore Polarity together in this blog and through my book, Feed the Tiger, Free the Dragon, you will notice that I have made a few tweaks to the traditional language you may have previously stumbled across. Polarity traditionally uses the terms “masculine” and “feminine” to describe the polarized sexual energies within us.
During my long journey of exploration of this “sexual energy,” everywhere I turned when I ran into discussions of masculine and feminine energy I found that negative attributes were associated with the feminine label. The use of these gendered terms were heavily weighted and outdated and distracted me instead of helping me. I wanted to feel empowered to be my authentic self in our relationship, and I didn’t want to be boxed in by traditional terms. Peter (my husband) and my needs and energies were different, but they were equal in power and complexity, neither superior nor inferior to the other.
The challenge was finding a way to talk about and explore those differences in a way that would allow us to move forward as equals.
Drawing on the imagery often used with the Yin and Yang concepts from Taoism, I began using the labels “Tiger” (Yin) and “Dragon” (Yang) to describe our energetic traits.
While we’ll do a deep dive into the difference between the Dragon and Tiger energies in the coming blog posts, in their simplest form, here are the basics:
Dragon Energy is your “doing” energy. Your inner Dragon gets shit done. It’s the part of you that is competitive and driven by purpose.
Tiger Energy is your “feeling” energy. Your inner Tiger uses intuition and sensitivity to feel and nurture the world around you. It’s the part of you that is untethered, wild, and radiant.
Over the following years, being able to apply the concept of Dragons and Tigers allowed Peter (my husband) and I to more fully understand and embrace our differences—and, ironically, to use those differences, the polarity, to draw us closer together.
There are techniques you can use to actively and constructively push yourself away from your partner or push them away from you—and, yes, I mean “away” in order to regain some of the tension that attracted you to each other in the first place. That’s what we’ll explore in the posts on this site as well as in my book Feed the Tiger, Free the Dragon. By the end, you will be able to quickly and easily create Polarity in your relationship just when you need it.
Plus, understanding the principles of Polarity won’t just allow you to create more passion with your partner, it will also help you to improve other areas of your life, such as deepening your friendships, advancing your career, and healing old family wounds.
What motivates Dragon Energy v Tiger Energy?
Dragons and Tigers are most distinguishable in three areas:
· What motivates them
· Where they place their priorities
· What brings them pleasure
Understanding these differences is necessary to creating a foundation for greater Polarity and fulfillment in a relationship. Let me explain.
Motivation: Freedom vs. Love
Dragons are motivated by freedom. Their mantra is some version of “I will be happy when I am free.”
There are many forms of freedom and endless interpretations of what freedom means to a Dragon in any given moment. It may mean physical freedom to sail a boat, financial freedom to retire, sexual freedom to sleep with whoever you want, or even just freedom to watch TV. Freedom may also look like emancipation from some form of arbitrary or despotic control, like a partner’s complaining, a boss’s micromanagement, a lover’s seduction, or a parent’s expectations.
When I was living in my Dragon in my twenties, I thought that everything in my life, including Peter, was secondary to my quest for freedom. My freedom looked something like: “I will be free and happy when I am successful with my business.” This was a big goal for a 25-year-old girl living in Brisbane, Australia. But when it became clear that our business needed more scale than the Australian market could offer, I raised seed capital and booked my flights to LA. Peter and I had only been married for two years at that point, and I told him that I hoped he would come, but either way I was leaving in six weeks. Chasing my freedom was my priority.
While Dragons feel a burning desire for freedom, Tigers have an unquenchable thirst to be deeply seen and loved.
They want to be understood and genuinely loved for the person they are. Tigers want to shower in love, brush their teeth with love, and then floss with it. There simply cannot be too much love.
Thus, the Tiger’s mantra is some version of “I will be happy when I am truly seen and loved” and, as an extension of that, Tigers also believe “I will be happy when I find someone to give my deep and endless love to.”
Tigers will spend a great deal of time and money attempting to be seen and loved. Some efforts are more obvious than others. A Tiger may focus on their personal appearance or the appearance of their belongings, family members, or even pets (“my children are beautiful, my home is beautiful, my social media feed is beautiful, therefore I am beautiful”). They may work on being seen through their career achievements, their personal sacrifices, or their commitment to a cause (“see me for the difference I am making”). They may even try to be seen through their bad habits and rebellious behaviors (“see me and save me from myself”).
Tigers also have a deep desire to truly see their partner and get to know their inner thoughts, their desires, their childhood fears; they want to know what their partner is eating for breakfast, what it tastes like and how it impacts their digestion. A Tiger wants to show their partner that their love has no boundaries, and the more they see and feel their partner, the more they can bathe them with their love.
A Tiger who has an open heart and a deep yearning to be seen and loved is irresistible to a Dragon, particularly if that Tiger can also support and respect the Dragon’s need for freedom .
Similarly, the Tiger is drawn to a truly free Dragon—a Dragon who prioritizes their real freedom above all else—because the Tiger enjoys the process of competing for the Dragon’s attention and discovering what it takes to be seen and then loved by them. It’s the never-ending game of catch and release that the Tiger loves to play.
Where does Dragon Energy and Tiger Energy place their priorities?
Dragons and Tigers are most distinguishable in three areas:
· What motivates them
· Where they place their priorities
· What brings them pleasure
Understanding these differences is necessary to creating a foundation for greater Polarity and fulfillment in a relationship. Let me explain.
Priorities: Missions vs. Relationships
In addition to having different motivations (freedom vs. love), Tigers and the Dragons also have completely different priorities in their daily lives.
Dragons are always on some form of “mission.” The Dragon’s mission might be getting a promotion, winning a gold medal, writing a screenplay, or buying a house. Whatever the mission is, the Dragon believes that through the success of their mission they will be free, and that is their top priority. It might be hard for a Dragon to admit to themselves (and their loved ones), that their missions are more important than their relationships, but they are. It doesn’t mean that a Dragon won’t have relationships or seek out love, it just means that these things are secondary to whatever happens to be their current mission.
After the kids were born, Peter sought freedom from financial stress, and his mission became to ensure financial security for our family by building his business and generating savings. Despite all of the work we did to save and strengthen our relationship, Peter admitted that he’d be willing to sacrifice it to keep his business. As much as he loved me, providing financially for his children was just more important. Similarly, upon asking whether he would choose love of his children over ensuring their financial needs were met, he answered that he would live without their love if it meant they were secure. He told me that it wasn’t his job to have his children love him at every moment, but rather to protect them. That was his mission.
In direct contrast, a dominant Tiger will put successful personal relationships above all else. The Tiger doesn’t live for a singular “mission,” because Tiger Energy is ethereal and goals can change in an instant based on new information and new relationships. Tigers feel free to change their minds and priorities at will. This doesn’t mean a Tiger won’t have goals—those goals are just secondary to their desire for the love and connection they gain through relationships.
When I asked myself the same question I had asked Peter—Would I give up my business to maintain his love and the love of our children?—my answer was categorically yes. While I love to have beautiful things, I feel that my daughters would much prefer my time, love, and empathy over anything that money might provide. It is most important to me that I am present with them, play with them, laugh with them, cuddle them, and kiss them endlessly to ensure that they feel my deep love for them. We can always work out the money.
Once you have an understanding and appreciation of your priorities, you will start to feel less conflicted in your choices. You will be able to live with more honesty and authenticity. There is nothing wrong with prioritizing your mission over your relationships or vice versa. The “right” choice all has to do with your Dominant Energy.
SIDEBAR: Testing Your Priorities
If you are still unsure whether your priorities indicate your are more Dragon or Tiger, let’s play out this work scenario:
You are working on an important project, and you have a hard and looming deadline. You are in your flow and hyper-focused on the task at hand. You are making great progress. Then your cell phone lights up. It’s your best friend, who has texted you that they have an urgent problem and could you please give them a call to discuss it? They need your help. Do you stop what you are doing and call your friend immediately? Or do you call them in a few hours when you have finished your work?
If you stopped what you were doing, you are most likely a Tiger. Your relationships are your primary driver. Just because you are a Tiger doesn’t mean you can’t be purpose-driven, it just means that your Dominant Energy is more focused on love.
If you decided to call your friend at lunch or after work when you are finished with your current task, you are more likely a Dragon. Your task/purpose is your primary driver. Just because you are predominantly focused on your mission doesn’t mean you don’t value relationships, it just means you don’t value them as much as your mission.
Appreciating your own priorities as well those of your partner can help reduce conflict in your relationship, because you can have a little more empathy for your respective competing interests. If your Dragon is distant, withdrawn, or inattentive, you can experience some level of comfort in understanding that, in all likelihood, this isn’t about you at all. Your Dragon is on a mission, so it’s not that they don’t love you, it’s just that you’re not currently their top priority.
Similarly, if your Tiger partner is suffocating you with their current wants and needs, just know that in all likelihood, they are not feeling seen and loved by you, and being seen and loved is their reason for existing. The more you ignore them, the more they will jump up and down trying to get your attention.
Embracing these differences and learning to love the space between you and your partner will help you create more Polarity in your relationship, and thereby more passion . . . which leads us to the third characteristic that distinguishes Tigers from Dragons: their polarized idea of pleasure.
What brings the Dragon Energy and Tiger Energy pleasure?
Dragons and Tigers are most distinguishable in three areas:
· What motivates them
· Where they place their priorities
· What brings them pleasure
Understanding these differences is necessary to creating a foundation for greater Polarity and fulfillment in a relationship. Let me explain.
Pleasure: Challenge vs. Connection
When it comes to experiencing pleasure, joy, and fun, the Dragon and the Tiger are light-years apart.
The Dragon derives pleasure from challenge and competition. Winning a challenge is like a mission-in-a-box for the Dragon. The idea of putting it all on the line is exhilarating and profoundly pleasurable. This desire for competition is why so many Dragons enjoy watching or participating in some form of sport. Sports are all about achieving freedom—breaking free of your opponent’s tackle, succeeding at your mission to score, crossing a finish line first, or even beating a personal best in CrossFit. Playing the stock market, finishing a crossword, and collecting wine or figurines are other types of challenges that Dragons may find enjoyable.
Dragons enjoy challenge and competition so much that if they can’t participate, they will try to experience it on TV, in a stadium, or through a simulation like a video game. You may even be surprised to find a Dragon enjoying an episode of The Bachelor—which, while it involves relationships, drama, and romance, is also a game with a clear mission and a winner.
In fact, a Tiger and a Dragon may watch The Bachelor together, but they are watching for different reasons. The Dragon is watching for the competition, while the Tiger is watching for the connection—specifically to feel the connection.
Tigers find immense pleasure in feeling a connection, and that feeling is best experienced through the senses. Activities like dance, yoga, meditation, swimming, and hiking all give the Tiger opportunities to connect with their mind, body, and nature. Even something as simple as a bunch of flowers on the dining room table can help a Tiger enjoy the connection with the beauty of the world. Of course, the ultimate connection for a Tiger involves other people. Tigers love connecting with fellow Tigers and sharing their passions like their food, plants, partners, pets, or children. Plus, sharing common interests helps the Tiger to feel connected with the world around them. The more sensory these interests are, the better.
While the polarity of pleasure can play out in many different ways, the way Dragons and Tigers differ in their approach to sex is one of the most obvious. For the Dragon, having sex or masturbating is just another challenge with a very clear purpose—to be free of their overwhelming sense of desire. The Dragon will comfortably use pornographic material to assist, without craving any emotional attachment to the material itself. And while variety is nice, Dragons like to be efficient, so if something has worked with their sexual partner (or themselves) once, they will likely use it again and again to ensure the efficient and successful completion of the challenge.
Dragons also tend to want to be in control of the mission to ensure it is successful, so they may be more active and dominating in the bedroom.
For the Tiger, sexual intimacy is an extension of their desire for connection and to be seen and loved—so seduction is important. Tigers will likely want to prepare for sex in advance, activating their senses via seductive clothing and grooming. When they feel attractive and desirable, the Tiger can relax and enjoy the experience. If the Tiger feels like they are just another tool assisting the Dragon to complete their challenge, they will not be deeply fulfilled by the experience and may even regret or resent their sexual encounter.
Tigers ultimately see sex as an opportunity for intimacy and achieving a deeper connection with their partner; they want to use sex as a way of opening to the Dragon Energy and welcoming the Dragon into their heart.
Up Next: Counterbalancing Energy with your partner